If you have just had the courage to leave a toxic relationship, the process of healing can feel insurmountable. You may feel like you will never again feel like a mentally healthy version of yourself. Please remember, not only are these feelings normal, but you are also not alone. At One Life Coaching, we help our clients navigate and fully eliminate any blocks resulting from their toxic relationships so they can live a happy and meaningful life.
Whilst everyone’s recovery is different, here are some tips you can follow to help you understand if you are currently in a toxic relationship, how you may have fallen into such a place, and equally how you can begin to heal.
What is a toxic relationship?
All relationships have their ups and downs but in healthy ones the people involved support one another, find a way to resolve challenges and disputes, and have healthy ways to come back to a space of agreement and peace. In a toxic relationship, it feels more like you are on a rollercoaster of emotions, and you can neither get a grip of nor come off the ride. Although the highs can be intoxicating, the ascent to the highs can be as terrifying as the drops to the lows. The drops to the lows, as well as the actual time in the lows, can seem longer than is necessary for the event that caused it. A toxic relationship is consistently distressing. You feel like your energy is drained and you are living in a state of high alert and/or anxiety. This can have negative effects not only on your mental well-being but also on your nervous system and your physical health too.
All relationships tend to start, on the surface at least, in what seems like a healthy manner, after all, no one willingly walks into a toxic relationship from the onset. Over time, when you have become so invested in this relationship that you perceive there is no turning back, this is when relationships truly become toxic.
When we speak of a toxic relationship, many people assume this only happens in a romantic relationship. However, any close relationship can be toxic, whether it is romantic, parent/child, between family or in-law relatives, and even at work between work colleagues or hierarchy dynamics.
Common signs of a toxic relationship
Consistent unhappiness, uneasiness, or anxiety
Healthy relationships give you a feeling of calm. A feeling of finding your safe space, and of being uplifted and upheld. You feel equal and respected, and a general feeling that you have come “home.” On the other hand, if you feel any of the following, you may be in a toxic relationship:
- Consistent feelings of sadness, anxiety, anger, or frustration
- Negative shifts in your energy or personality
- Low self-esteem and/or low confidence
- Feeling on edge around the other party in your relationship or, paradoxically, feeling calm when you are around them and constantly on edge when you are away from them
- Develop health concerns that get worse over time·
Isolation in the relationship
Healthy relationships are not only when the parties involved enjoy shared time and shared interests together, but they are equally as happy for the other person to have friends and interests outside the relationship. In a toxic relationship, a partner may become possessive. At first, this may occur under the guise of wanting all your time because they love spending so much time with you. Over time this may become more abusive, flatly not permitting you to see others.
In toxic relationships, the other person in the party may isolate you from your friends and family by slowly picking holes in the other people’s personalities and/or intentions. This causes you to willingly question people whom you once believed were positive and good to be around. It may cause you to begin to distance yourself voluntarily.
As well as slowly distancing you from past and current friends, they will begin to pick holes in any new potential friends and discourage you from pursuing relationships with them. There is always something wrong with everyone around. This serves the other person well as your community is your resilience. Isolating you from others will weaken your self-belief and self-confidence and hence allow the other person to manipulate you in whatever way they wish.
These actions are typically carried out slowly, drip by drip, over a long period of time. It can be hard to even be aware this is happening. If this has happened to you, forgive yourself and reach out to the people that were once in your life. They will probably surprise you by being understanding of the situation, compassionate, and a pillar of strength for you whilst you rebuild yourself. Spend your time with people who understand you are healing and trying to move forward. Don’t jump into another relationship. Instead, focus on doing the work on yourself and finding inner contentment and your own direction in life. Do you and only you for a while!
Your partner calls you names and puts you down
In a healthy relationship, the general rule of thumb, as long as it is not intentionally hurting yourself or others (physically, emotionally, verbally or psychologically), everything is okay. In a toxic relationship, your partner will begin to attack you emotionally, verbally, or psychologically (and sometimes physically) by calling you names, devaluing your opinions, your interests, your values, who you are at the core and even your job or your appearance.
As by now you will probably be isolated from your community and any voice of reason, you may begin to believe and accept what they say and so your confidence/self-esteem will begin to erode. Again, this is done insidiously at first, barely noticeable, and often put in a way that these “negative comments” are for your own good. It’s usually much later when these behaviours become overt and in your face. If this has happened to you, forgive yourself and begin to remember what was good about yourself pre-relationship. It was not your fault that you went to this place, it’s easy to fall into these toxic relationships, but it is you alone who can begin the path to heal and grow again.
Your partner constantly checks in with you
In a healthy relationship, you and your partner will probably communicate a fair amount whilst you are apart. After all, you miss each other and it’s nice to know the other person is thinking of you. It’s also nice to know that you can reach out to them when they cross your mind, and bring a smile to their face.
A healthy relationship is based on honesty, transparency, and trust, so this communication will feel like a light, fun, and loving act of wanting to be connected. In a toxic relationship, your partner may be constantly texting or calling you. You may even think this level of attention is sweet to begin with, but the real intention is usually to track your actions, track your location and track who you are with, all with the intention of having control over you. Again, this may start from a place that seems “cute,” so you may not even notice the slight. Over time this behaviour will become more direct, insistent, and transactional as time passes. They may also insist you check in with them frequently or even require you to send a picture for proof of where you are and who you are with. In the beginning, this may be under the guise that they “worry about you” if they don’t know what is happening. Yet, over time if you don’t do this, usually immediately, they will probably guilt trip you into believing that you are in the wrong for making them feel so bad. If this has happened to you, forgive yourself as there is such a fine line between being loving and controlling when it comes to communication over various social media platforms.
Feel your emotions
Once you have taken the courage to untangle yourself and you’ve walked away from a toxic relationship, logically you may understand that you are better off without them but this doesn’t make what you are feeling any less complicated. Leaving an unhealthy relationship can conjure a host of painful and confusing emotions. Give yourself time to process. This is the first step to healing. Toxic relationships affect us deeply on many different levels so unraveling your emotions around your experience can be like peeling an onion – once you think you’re okay, another layer of emotions might surface to need attention once again. This is normal. Give yourself time and space to feel this. Only then will you be able to fully let go.
Where possible find a professional to help you on this healing journey. A professional will give you many different perspectives, helping you to heal from these negative emotions that you are feeling, such as shame, guilt, sadness, remorse, resentment, anger, grief, anxiety, or depression, to name but a few. The last thing you want to do, having already suffered this toxic relationship, is to ignore or suppress these feelings and carry them into your new life or your next relationship. Take the time to heal and remember that healing doesn’t happen overnight. Allow yourself the time to process what you experienced and learned. Invest in yourself by journaling, meditating, and exercising. By taking time to process, heal, and move forward, you will be in a much better head space to find your own direction and your own inner happiness. Remember healing happens in baby steps, one day at a time. Be patient.
Avoid contacting your old partner
In a toxic relationship, where you have probably been forced to account for your whereabouts around the clock, and made to feel guilty if you didn’t, it will be natural to feel the urge to check in with your old partner after you break up. Your mind, on a conscious or even an unconscious level, may be so wired by now to feel guilty that it will lead you to believe that the guilt will be appeased if you contact them.
This isn’t true.
The real danger though is that once you do contact them you may be drawn back in. They may take the opportunity to “love-bomb” you which will feel good, like everything is fine again, and before you know it you will be back on the rollercoaster ride. Instead of reaching out to your old partner, seek strength and positivity from the community you are slowly building back up. They have your back and will support you.
Focus on what you have learned
As we have mentioned before, once you leave a toxic relationship and begin to see the reality of what you were in, it’s easy to beat yourself up for allowing yourself to have stayed in this place for so long. You’ve endured so much and it’s easy to berate yourself for having believed that you were a “strong” person and yet still you ended up here. As well as feeling all your emotions around this, begin to look at the situation with a different perspective to see what you have learned about yourself, about relationships as a whole and about life.
For example, what were the “good parts” that kept you there, what were the tricks that undermined you, what were the traits that trod on your values and were totally unacceptable to you? Once you begin to look at the lessons you’ve learnt you can begin to build a more realistic picture of what you really want out of a relationship and what values and traits you wish your new partner to have and to uphold in you too.
Seek professional help
At One Life Coaching, we recognize how emotionally challenging it can be to heal from an unhealthy relationship. With over a decade of experience helping people navigate their recovery around toxic relationships, we take great pride in providing hundreds of clients in the UAE and internationally with the tools needed to regain their self-esteem, their confidence and to find their authentic self.
We understand that happy, lasting relationships always start with two individually happy people and as we like to say, happiness does not come from the outside, from other people or from a relationship, happiness is an inside job.
When you are ready, please contact a member of our team. We are here to help and guide you into a mentally healthier, happier life.