Whilst divorce can be seen as the end of a negative or toxic relationship, and as such a relief to all involved, it is still in the top five challenging situations anyone can face in their lifetime. And when children are involved this becomes even more complicated with more hearts to protect than just your own. If you’re worried about how your children will be impacted by your separation or divorce, you are not alone. But be not afraid, there are in fact many ways to make this family transition as stress-free as possible for your children.
Respect their emotions
To children, the separation or divorce of their parents signifies a potential break in their own stability and routine. This will lead to feelings of uncertainty, fear, frustration and even anger. If these feelings are left unchecked this can further lead to anxiety, guilt, behavioural issues of playing out or regression and/or withdrawal. So first and foremost as parents, we need to make it clear to our children that we are interested in what they have to say and that their emotions are as valid as everyone else’s in this situation. This may be easier said than done, since what our child has to say may be difficult to hear, but it’s important to give them a chance to be honest and to be able to vent in a safe and supportive space with no judgement.
One way to let your children know it’s okay to feel sad, afraid, or angry is to allow them to share their feelings. Do your best to listen to your children without interrupting them. This may be hard, as your instinct is to protect them. For example, if your child says they are angry, instead of trying to look for an immediate solution to cheer them up, you can validate their emotion by letting them know you understand why they feel the way they do. Another way is to not hide your own emotions from them. Children often get confused if they are feeling sad or angry whilst their parents are pretending that they themselves are happy and cheery about the whole thing. This makes little sense to children. Obviously don’t burden your children with the depths of your emotions – they are not your therapist – but allow them to see that these things also make you sad whilst letting them know that it will be OK. Try to model appropriate behaviour. If a child’s parent is trying to put on a brave face and pretend that they are totally fine about all this, the child will feel confused and maybe even believe that their own feelings are not correct, are wrong and therefore invalid. Honesty, in age-appropriate language, is the most important factor during a separation/divorce. Children need to know that they can trust their parents and as children literally feel what their parents are feeling, feeling sad and telling your children that you are happy is just confusing for them. Be honest.
More often than not, however, during a divorce children feel hesitant to share their feelings with their parents as they themselves don’t want to further upset their parents through these difficult times. They often perceive – consciously or unconsciously – that further upsetting their parents will be a further crack in their own stability and they definitely do not want that. Children need their parents to be stable in order to feel that they have stability themselves. This is when they may need an unbiased third party to be able to feel that they can say what they need to say without feeling that they are further burdening their parents. This is where the services of One Life Coaching come in. With over 20 years experience of working with pre-teens and teens, we provide a safe space for children to be able to vent their fears and worries, understand how the current situation will or will not impact their everyday lives and ultimately regain that feeling of stability that allows them to have a healthy perspective during their parents’ separation/divorce.
Maintain Calm and Normalcy for your Children
As previously mentioned, all children really want is stability in their own lives, so maintaining their routine where possible whilst shielding them from adult conflict is paramount.
The split of their parents is undoubtedly a break to any child’s stability but this can nonetheless be minimised to be the “only” break. That is to say if during a separation or divorce children continue to attend the same school, see the same friends, play with the same toys, sleep in the same bed and attend the same extracurricular lessons – in other words, they keep the same routine – the break to their stability is greatly cushioned.
The split of two adults will equally invariably bring conflict for the adults involved but it’s important to insulate your child from these conflicts – after all, these are adult conflicts, not child based conflicts. Calm behaviour and positive talk to your child about their other parent will help your children feel reassured during this challenging family transition. It is therefore important that you do your best not to speak negatively about your spouse around your child or to your child. You may be in deep dispute with your spouse, hating every minute of the separation and what you perceive that it is inflicting on you, but your spouse is still the “other” parent of your child and your child wants to love both equally.
Routine, honesty and trust is important to any child but especially important when their parents are splitting. A child needs to trust that what their parent is saying is the truth.
Co-parenting / Visitation
Research has shown that for children of separated/divorced parents, co-parenting, where possible, is indeed the best option. Contrary to popular belief, co-parenting does not mean that the two parents need to talk to each other about their children and/or discuss and agree on the same discipline styles in both houses. Children at school go from classroom to classroom and are happy to adapt to different teachers’ discipline styles and so they are just as happy to adjust to different discipline styles in mum’s house to dad’s house. Co-parenting means that both parents share equal responsibility for the physical, emotional and psychological upbringing of their children. It means that both mum and dad have a living arrangement that has a space for their child. That the child has everything in one house as in the other and is not that suitcase kid taking their stuff backwards and forwards from mum’s house to dad’s house. It means that the child spends a whole week with mum then a whole week with dad so that both mum and dad are taking an active part in their everyday life – taking them to school, picking them up, taking them to their extracurricular activities, to their parties, to their friends’ house, helping with homework, having bath and bedtime. One week with mum / one week with dad. Some parents choose two weeks on and two weeks off as then the break is only once a month for the child. Whichever you choose, the benefit to the children is that they can see that both parents are available and present in their everyday lives.
Unfortunately co-parenting is not always an option for every couple – one parent may work away, may travel for work, or may have irregular schedules. This is when visitation comes into play. Visitation is when the children have one permanent resident and “visit” the residence of the other parent, say every other weekend and maybe one day a week, to give an example. This can also work as long as parents are able to stick to the agreed schedule. Unfortunately, many parents, believing they are being amicable, swap and change these weekends or weekdays to suit the adults, not the children. This is what is hugely confusing for children who then perceive a lack of stability. So whatever you as parents agree on – co-parenting or visitation – devise a schedule for the year, share it with each other and with your children and stick to it. This way your children will know that they can trust you as you comply with what you agreed. There is no change – other than in the case of emergencies like for example a funeral which children can understand – and as a result, there is no confusion for the child as well as a continuation in the child’s stability.
Maintain healthy boundaries
Once parents do separate, healthy boundaries should be maintained. Again many parents, with a belief that they are portraying an amicable front, step over these boundaries which can then lead to huge confusion for the children. For example, fathers may say that they will visit their children in the mother’s home and play with them and even have dinner with them in their mother’s home. Unfortunately, children don’t have the same notion of time as adults. One hour can seem to them like a whole day, a whole week or a whole month. So dad coming to play in mum’s house and then leaving continuously can be confusing to the child who may think “if dad can come here for this time, why can’t he live here?’’ And children will more often than not want to blame themselves for this continual departure so the child may begin to believe that every time dad is leaving, dad is leaving because of something that he/she has done. To avoid confusion for the children, once you have decided to separate, separate. Let the child know that they spend time at mum’s house with mum and time at dad’s house with dad. By all means, be civil or amicable to each other when you are doing the handover of your children from one parent to another but try not to cross each other’s space. Respect each other’s boundaries. This equally applies to sharing meals or time out together with the children. Many parents often believe that children want to see both parents together but this is equally confusing to children who again can believe that each time the parents part ways it’s because of something they have done. And again children may be asking themselves if my parents can go out with us together why can’t they be together? Obviously, when children are older they will want both parents at important life events such as graduation and weddings but whilst the children are young, if you say you are separating, separate. Children want access to both parents and want to know that both parents are there for them, you don’t have to spend time together to model this.
Get support
If your children are struggling during your divorce, a child therapist/coach can be a safe non-judgemental space for them to talk without fear of hurting either parent. At One Life Coaching, we provide this space and the expert professional support to help your children through this challenging and uncertain time. In addition to getting your children support, you should get support for yourself. A divorce coach/therapist can provide both practical and emotional support and strategies to help you cope during these challenging times, both to you as an individual and to you together if you are seeking more clarity on how to co-parent.
Coaches/therapists help you become emotionally balanced to make rational decisions. Furthermore, a Divorce Coach/therapist can help you manage the many negative emotions you undoubtedly will experience whilst navigating your divorce, emotions such as worry, fear, anxiety, panic, sorrow and anguish (to name a few). The more emotionally grounded you are during your divorce, the more prepared you will be to help your children as they navigate this time in their life.
Additionally, an impartial Divorce Coach can help you navigate your separation and divorce before meeting with a lawyer to help you define what you want for yourself and your children in the long run. A Divorce Coach/Therapist can also help you guide your children so they do not suffer unnecessarily during their parents’ breakup.
One Life Coaching for Divorce
If you need help navigating your divorce, the professionals at One Life Coaching can help you individually, help you both as co-parents and help your children. We understand how emotionally charged and draining the divorce process can be – especially when children are involved. With over a decade’s experience, we’ve helped hundreds of adults and children navigate divorce. You can rest assured knowing there is someone you can trust to give you and your children the best guidance.
Contact us today to learn more about how we can help you before, during, and after your divorce.